


you've known me your whole life, sweetheart

by steveandbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunions, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 14:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5788690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steveandbucky/pseuds/steveandbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is the one who falls off the train in 1944, and Bucky is given the role of Captain America, and is the one to crash into the ice and wake up almost 70 years later. After the Battle of New York, Bucky discovers the truth about HYDRA's secret operations within SHIELD, and comes face to face with the Winter Soldier only to find out that it's none other than Steve Rogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you've known me your whole life, sweetheart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [byckybrnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/byckybrnes/gifts).



 

Bucky steps out of the room, deciding to head towards the platform, but he hesitates. Steve's been dead for nearly seventy years now, and Bucky still holds on to him, letting him guide him in moments like this, perhaps even unconsciously so. For him, it hasn’t been as long. He hasn't been Captain America for as long; barely a year, actually. He's still unsure of himself sometimes, thinks _“I can't do this”,_ before he clenches his jaw and says, out loud, to himself, “I have to.”

So he hesitates, then turns on his heel and walks the other way, pushes at the hidden entry way and stands in the middle of it all, staring in awe at his surroundings.

He drops the weapon on the table and glares hard at Fury, biting out, “Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me.”

 

~~~  

 

Natasha finds him in the gym a couple of weeks after the battle, beating the crap out of a punching bag. She comes to a stop in his line of sight, dressed in running gear, red hair pulled back into a small ponytail. He notices her but doesn't acknowledge her, instead landing a hard punch to the bag and sending it flying across the room.

“Wow,” Natasha says in lieu of a greeting, tone dry and expression deadpan. “Those are some impressive anger issues you've got there, Barnes.”

He smirks at her, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “What do you want?”

“Just checking in,”

There's a lie if he ever heard one. She tosses him a water bottle which he catches mid air, drains half of it and tosses it back to her, then goes to hang another bag up.

“You holding up okay?”

“Sure,”

She nods. “Something on your mind?”

“Lots,” he snipes back.

Natasha opens her mouth to reply, arms crossed stubbornly against her chest, when Bucky speaks up again.

“How much do you trust Fury?” He asks, looking at her square in the eye.

“A fair amount,”

Bucky nods and glances down, starting to unwrap the bandages from around his hands. He’s torn between telling her the thing that’s been bothering him for the last few weeks, but he hasn’t figured her out quite yet, isn’t sure if she can trust her completely.

“You're worried about the HYDRA weapons,” Natasha tells him, tone calm and firm, no hesitation in it whatsoever.

Bucky blinks at her, caught off guard.

“He thought you might be,”

“And he sent you here to reassure me that there's nothing to worry about?”

Natasha smiles at him, catlike and devious. It makes him uneasy.

“Get some rest, Barnes,” she says before turning on her heel and walking out the same way she came in.

 

~~~

 

_“It wasn't your fault,”_

_“You know that's not true,”_

_Morita hangs his head and looks at his empty glass for a long moment. “Blaming yourself won't-”_

_“Bring him back?” Bucky lets out a laugh, though it's harsh and bitter. He drowns his glass and still feels no different. “He'd still be alive if it wasn't for me. If I'd managed to catch him…” he trails off and squeezes his eyes shut against the burning hot tears, not letting them fall._

_There a sharp sound of heels clicking on the floor, approaching them. Morita sits up straighter. Bucky doesn't even turn around._

_“Sergeant Barnes,”_

_He recognises her voice immediately, before she appears in his line of sight, calm and collected as always - though he thinks it’s bravado more than anything else, this time around._

_“Agent Carter,” he returns, struggling to keep his voice even._

_“We're going to need you to come in.”_

In the present, Bucky presses the heel of his palms to his eyes, his elbows resting on his knees where he’s sat on an old lawnchair on the rooftop of his apartment. He looks at the city that’s stretched out across from him and barely recognises it. He misses them so much it makes him ache deep in his bones; not just how the city used to be, not just Steve, but Steve and him together, in the old shoebox of an apartment they used to share in Brooklyn, in 1938. Bodies wrapped around each other, pressed together under a multitude of blankets, talking in whispers of a place where they could be free to be together the way they wanted.

Instead, Steve fell, and they put him in Steve’s uniform, gave him Steve’s shield, and told him he’s the new Captain America, and expected him to go on living when all he wanted to do was go back in time and jump after Steve.

Bucky hears footsteps of someone approaching and turns around, one hand instinctively going to retrieve the shield from his back, even though he hasn’t brought it with him. Force of habit, he realises.

He relaxes slightly when he sees there’s no threat.

“Captain Barnes,”

He gives her a nod. “Agent Carter,”

Sharon lets out a deep sigh. “There is a situation. We need you to come in.”

Bucky doesn't ask where they’re going, doesn’t really need to these days. If there’s a mission, he gets called in, and there’s someone who picks him up usually. She tells him Director Fury is waiting for them, and drives them to a place outside the city, an abandoned warehouse in a dark neighbourhood, flashlight in one hand and gun in the other while she leads the way.

Fury is waiting for them, sitting at a wooden table, Agents Hill, Romanoff, and Barton at either sides of him.

“Glad you could make it,” Fury says, giving them an even look. Bucky can’t tell whether he’s pleased they’ve arrived, or displeased that they're late. “Take a seat,”

Right there and then, Bucky’s suspicions are confirmed, as Fury lays out the truth in front of them.

The weapons were not SHIELD’s, and the Director has no idea why they were there. He says, ‘We’re in deep shadow conditions’ and ‘What you hear in this room stays in this room,’ and receives five sharp nods in return. Bucky suspects that the people that have been recruited for this mission are Fury’s team of most trusted agents, and feels like he doesn’t belong there. But he’s Captain America, and if there’s any superhero anyone would trust, it’d be him.

“I’m afraid SHIELD has been compromised. There might be enemy spies that have infiltrated our organisation.” Fury tells them then, and goes on to lay out whatever evidence, if they can call it that, he’s gathered.

The meeting is dismantled shortly, with everyone getting burner phones and being told to wait for further instructions of what to do. Their operation is to stay secret, with nothing being kept on official SHIELD records lest it is discovered by the wrong people.

 

~~~

 

Bucky stays up until the morning, too anxious and restless to fall asleep even as his eyelids feel heavy and it hurts to keep them open. He paces around his living room, running his hands through his short curly hair. He tries to distract himself by watching a movie, then reading a book, and finds that nothing can hold his attention. In the morning, as the sun rises and lights the sky, he puts on his sneakers and goes for a run around his neighbourhood, and only manages to fall asleep after he goes home, finally feeling tired enough to sleep.

_There’s the rapid moving train in the snowy mountains of the Alps, the blast that knocked the door open, and he’s hanging off a railing, reaching out for Steve’s hand. He watches as Steve falls and falls and falls, then he sees himself dive in after him. He blinks and he’s surrounded by white and red, lying among the snow and staring at Steve’s bloodied face, gazing at him through half-lidded eyes._

_‘Why’d you jump?’ Steve asks, and his voice is small, quiet, like Bucky’s hearing it from very far away, but he still sounds like he disapproves._

_Bucky smiles, and inside, he feels happy, like he’s finally at peace with himself, with life itself. ‘’Cause I’m with you ‘till the end of the line, Stevie,’_

Bucky wakes up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and heart racing in his chest, a feeling of dread and panic taking over him as he scans his surroundings with eyes grown wide open, belatedly registering that it’s not 1944, he’s not in Europe, he’s not at war - except with the demons in his head.

 

~~~

 

The warehouse is dark when Bucky gets there, but that’s nothing new or surprising, considering the nature of their meetings. He parks his bike a mile ahead and walks back to the location, shield on his back and hands in his pockets, taking glances left and right to make sure he’s not being followed. He’s not expecting anyone to be there, since he’s early, so he’s surprised when he hears heavy breathing and a dark silhouette slumped in the far corner.

He approaches the figure to find that it’s Director Fury, an arm held tight to his chest and staring at him with a stern look, same as always, as if he’s not severely injured, with multiple open wounds that are still bleeding.

“Nick?” Bucky asks, eyes growing wide. He starts looking around the space, trying to locate the attacker.

“Long gone,” Fury croaks out, and Bucky snaps his attention back to him.

“We need to get you to a hospital,” he says, crouching down to check him for injuries.

“That’s not an option,” Natasha’s voice floats through, as she walks up to them, Sharon trailing right behind her.

“Why not?”

Natasha crosses her arms against her chest. “He was pursued in broad daylight, with the entire city watching.”

“Barton and Maria are on their way with a medic, Director,” Sharon supplies, voice much gentler than Natasha’s sharp tone.

Bucky stares at them for a long moment. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I’m afraid,” Fury answers him, getting to his feet. “Our secret investigations are no longer secret. The situation is much worse than we thought,” he holds out his other arm, palm open to present a SHIELD flash drive.

The sound of three gunshots, deafeningly loud, echo in the room. Nick Fury falls on the floor, while the three other agents crouch down. Bucky looks out the window, trying to find the source of the bullets, and catches a glimpse of silver before the shooter takes off, starts running away.

“Romanoff!” he yells out, voice slightly panicked, as a notice that he’s about to take off, or a plea for back-up; he’s not sure which. Then he jumps out the window that was smashed by the bullets, and starts running, pursuing the attacker.

The man with the metal arm runs faster than any human soldier he’s ever pursued, and Bucky chases him from rooftop to rooftop of the series of abandoned buildings, shield in hand and running as fast as he can. He’s afraid he won’t be able to catch up to him, when an arrow comes flying at the man, catching on his metal arm and sending electric shocks through it; another one of Barton’s special arrows Bucky glances behind him momentarily and sees the archer perched on the rooftop of a taller building way behind them, bow held in his ready to fire position. Bucky can’t see his face clearly, since it’s dark, and the only source of light is the moonlight, but he can imagine Barton smiling smugly at his success.

Bucky shakes his head, though he’s thankful for the back up, and speeds up, catching up to the attacker. He throws his shield at him but he’s surprised when the man turns around and catches it with his metal arm, a pair of pale eyes covered in black camouflage paint staring evenly back at him, the rest of his face being covered by a mask. He throws the shield back and Bucky barely catches it, taken aback by the strength with which it hits him.

Then the man runs towards him, and Bucky blocks the punch the attacker lands with his shield, wincing at the loud vibrating sound the metal arm makes as it slams against the vibranium of the shield. The man knocks his shield out of the way and kicks him, making him fall on the ground on his back, but Bucky quickly recovers and gets back on his feet, to find that the man has started running away once again.

“Barton! A little help!” Bucky shouts out loud as he starts chasing him again, determined not to let him get away.

He catches up to him, and the two of them engage hand to hand combat, Bucky trying his best to avoid the sharp knife and getting punched with the metal arm when he doesn’t have his shield, since the man had managed to knock it out of his hand earlier.

Bucky knows that if the man manages to incapacitate him, he’ll escape. It’s clear that he has no desire to kill him, or he would have shot him by now.

There’s another arrow that comes flying towards them, and he’s surprised when it manages to land exactly where it's meant to, even if the two of them are moving around frantically as they continue fighting.

“A net?!” Bucky cries out, suddenly finding himself entangled in a ten-foot-wide net, both him and the man he was fighting struggling to get out of it. “Really?!”

“Oops!” he hears the reply and a second later, Clint jumps on the rooftop next to the one they’re at, drawing another arrow from his quiver and getting ready to shoot again. “My bad,”

Bucky groans in frustration, finally managing to break free, and he lunges at the man, grabbing him by the mouth and flipping him over, knocking him down on the floor. He doesn’t stay down, instead rolling over and getting to his feet, but the mask falls.

Bucky stands frozen in his spot, mouth slack and eyes wide open in shock, staring at the unmasked man, the familiar pair of eyes that are looking right back at him. He looks defeated for a second, the corners of his mouth turned downward, and Bucky tries to take a step towards him, but hesitates.

“Steve?” he asks, his voice shaky and uncertain.

Because it is Steve, his Steve, standing in front of him, there’s no doubt in his mind about that; he’d recognise him anywhere, be it among a crowd or standing on his lonesome in the dark of the night, on the rooftop of an abandoned building, his face illuminated only by moonlight.

He turns and asks, “Who the hell is Steve?” and draws a gun from a thigh holster, aiming it at Bucky.

Bucky doesn’t move, not even to dodge the bullet, but Steve doesn’t fire; he hesitates, and then, before Bucky knows it, he turns around and jumps off, but not over to another building. He jumps down and disappears in the shadows. Bucky leans over the edge of the building, and can’t see anything, like Steve has just vanished from thin air.

He thinks maybe he’s hallucinating, or having a terrible dream, and he’d be certain of it if it wasn’t for Barton who runs up to him, and he’s talking, he’s saying something, but Bucky barely registers the words as he keeps staring straight ahead, unblinking, like his entire brain is shutting down.

 

~~~

 

“Most of the intelligence community doesn’t believe he exists,” Natasha says, voice low and even. “The ones who do call him the Winter Soldier. He’s credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last 50 years.”

“That’s not possible,” Clint replies, eyebrows knitted in confusion. “He died, like, 70 years ago. How can he be alive right now?”

Bucky sits in a chair in the corner, head in his hands as he listens to the conversation. “Same way I did when I went in the ice,” he mumbles, mostly to himself. “The serum must’ve helped him survive the fall. And Steve,” Bucky pauses and laughs harshly. “Steve had Erskine’s formula, not the cheap knock-off the Germans gave me. Of course he survived, and HYDRA found him then,” He gets up, kicking the chair back as his hands curl into fists. “I should’ve looked for him,” he mumbles before he takes off.

“Barnes!” Natasha calls after him. “Where are you going?!”

“To find Steve,”

She catches up to him, grabbing him by the arm to stop him. “HYDRA has him,” she says calmly and slowly. “You have no leads, no-”

He glares at her and pulls his arm away, escaping from her grip. She stumbles back, and shoots him a sharp look, lips pressed into a thin line.  

“I have to find him,” Bucky repeats before he takes off.

 

~~~

 

_He’s almost asleep by the time he hears footsteps approaching, and a moment later, Steve sneaking into his tent - although is it really sneaking if everyone knows about it and pretend they don’t?_

_“Hey,” he whispers, kicking his boots off and stripping out of his uniform, before he climbs into what passes off as a bed. It’s too narrow and not really sturdy enough to support two grown men - one of which is a goddamn supersoldier - but they make it work._

_Bucky turns around to look at him for a moment, giving him a small smile and a gentle peck on his lips, both as greeting and as a goodnight kiss._

_Steve appears to have other ideas. “You gettin’ sleepy on me?” he murmurs, pressing himself closer to Bucky. He slides a hand under his shirt and lets it travel up his chest, rubbing the pad of his index finger of Bucky’s right nipple. “I think you made me some promises you need to make good on, Buck,” Steve teases, as he nuzzles his nose against Bucky’s neck, then presses feather-light kisses there._

_“Quit it,” Bucky grumbles, biting back a smile. “I’m tryna sleep,”_

_“Really?” Steve asks, sneaking his hand down Bucky’s torso and under the waistband of his pants, then curling it around his semi-hard dick. “Looks like not_ all _of you got that memo,”_

_Bucky snorts out a soft laugh and turns around to lie in Steve’s arms, meeting his gaze. Bucky can’t resist him when Steve looks at him like that, eyes filled with awe and wonder and the wholehearted, overwhelming love he has for Bucky. He lets out a soft sigh and lifts his head, capturing Steve’s lips in a deep, gentle kiss, and when they break apart, gasping for air, Steve starts kissing a trail down his torso. Bucky smiles and lets Steve go down on him; he closes his eyes, lets himself enjoy the moment and forget about where they are, and why they’re there._

 

~~~

 

Natasha and Clint meet him by the warehouse three days later, waiting for him in the shadows nearby, quiet and unmoving, in the way only they can. Bucky almost startles as they come into view.

“Meeting location has changed,” Natasha tells him, and the two of them guide Bucky towards a car parked a good two miles away. Barton slides in the driver’s seat, his partner in the passenger seat next to him, and they take off.

“How did the search for Steve go?”

Bucky bites the inside of his cheek and refrains himself from swearing at her. It went as well as he expected it would go, with no leads or anything to else to guide him.

The new meeting place, as it turns out, is an underground bunker that looks more like a cave than anything else, in the middle of nowhere, a good three hours away from their previous location. They’re greeted by Agent Hill who leads them through a dark tunnel until they reach the main area.

“So this is the new SHIELD headquarters?” Bucky asks as he scans the room, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Looks wonderful. Love what you’ve done with the place, Nick,”

Fury fixes him with a cold look. “That’s hilarious,” he says as he reaches out for a file on the table, but Bucky slams his fist on it, stopping him.

“What do you know about the Winter Soldier?” he bites out.

Fury shares a look with Natasha before he turns to Bucky, expression softening. “Next to nothing,” he sighs. “I didn’t know-”

“HYDRA has been operating under your nose for God knows how many years now, and you’re telling me you never even suspected?” Bucky barks out, voice rising as he leans over the table, glaring at the Director.

“You’re not the only one who’s upset over this, Cap,” Fury tells him, keeping his voice calm.

Bucky straightens up, a harsh, bitter smirk curving his lips. “Upset. _You’re_ upset? Really?”

“Captain Barnes,” Maria says, stepping forward, a hand resting on the gun in her holster. “We’re trying to come up with a plan-”

Bucky snaps his head to her. “A plan to what?”

“Shut down HYDRA’s operations within SHIELD.” Maria finishes her sentence, still speaking in a calm, commanding tone of voice.

“So what have we got so far?” Barton pipes up.

Silence rings in the room, heavy and tense. As far as missions go, this one is damn near impossible.

Bucky shakes his head. “We tear it down,” he mumbles, then speaks up. “SHIELD, HYDRA. It all goes. You can’t shut down HYDRA and hope you can salvage SHIELD,”

“Barnes, be reasonable-,”

“They have Steve!” Bucky shouts, hands curling into fists again and having to restrain himself from lashing out in his anger. “And you’re asking me to be fucking reasonable?”

Fury fixes him with an even look. “Don’t make any rash decisions. We need a plan.”

“We have a plan,” Bucky shrugs. “Destroy SHIELD, and you destroy HYDRA with it. It’s simple.”

“It makes sense,” Natasha agrees. “If they’re operating within SHIELD, they won’t be able to continue if we shut it down.”

“Any remaining operatives will probably scatter to their secret bases and safehouses,” Clint speaks up, gaze fixed on a spot on the floor and eyebrows knitted together. “We can track them and incapacitate them there.”

Fury leans back on his chair, shoulders slumping in defeat. He turns to Marial, his most trusted agent, who gives him a sympathetic look. “They’re right.”

Bucky nods and takes a deep breath, feeling his heartbeat increase, an uneasy feeling taking over him. He thinks of Steve locked up in one of HYDRA’s facilities and his blood starts boiling again, feeling desperate and anxious that he’s unable to reach him and save him; that he’s failed to do so once again.

“I might know someone who can help,” Natasha tells him as they’re leaving the bunker later that night. “I can get in touch with one of my contacts in Kiev, after all this blows over.”

Bucky eyes her warily.

She places a hand on his elbow and tells him to get some rest, and that she’ll let him know when she finds anything.

 

~~~

 

Radio silence for the next three days. No meetings, no calls, no contact whatsoever. Bucky finds himself with nothing to do, and it drives him crazy. He kills some time working himself to exhaustion in the gym, or takes his bike and drives around late at night.

It’s four in the morning on Friday when he gets home to find that something isn’t right. Everything is exactly where he’s left them, and no one’s broken in through the door or the windows. But Bucky doesn’t turn the lights on as he walks to retrieve his shield, trying to be as quiet as possible.

Which is when he hears the sound of a gun cocking and he freezes in his spot, straightens up and turns around, catching a glimpse of metal before he flicks his eyes and meets the unnervingly cold gaze of the Winter Soldier.

Otherwise known as Steven Grant Rogers, his childhood best friend, the love of his life, the only person who knows him better than Bucky knows himself.

And yet, doesn’t know him at all.

“Steve,” Bucky breathes out, voice shaking.

Steve doesn’t reply, or even move, sitting absolutely still, hand resting on the kitchen table.

Bucky takes a step forward, and repeats, “Steve,” and immediately finds himself with a gun pointed to his head, Steve standing upright, ready to shoot him.

“Who are you?”

The words pierce through Bucky, sending a sharp stab of pain that reaches deep in his bones. “I’m Bucky,” he says, taking a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down. “James Buchanan Barnes, your best friend - I’m Bucky,” he repeats in a quieter tone of voice. “Your Bucky,”

Steve throws his gun away and surges forward, grabbing Bucky by the lapels of his jacket and pushing him against the wall. “Stop lying to me!” he barks out.

“I’m not lying,” Bucky breathes out. “I have no reason to lie, Steve, believe me-”

“Stop calling me that,”

“Steve?”

He lets go and steps back and looks at Bucky with eyes grown wide. He’s less menacing up close, even if they’re standing in the dark, Bucky can see the hesitance and confusion in his eyes. Whatever they did to him-

He stops that train of thought and takes a small step forward, not breaking eye contact. “That’s your name, Steven Grant Rogers, born on the 4th of July, 1918 in Brooklyn, New York-”

“Shut up!” Steve cuts him off, curling his metal hand into a fist and launching at him.

Bucky flinches but doesn’t move out of the way, only breathes out a sigh of relief when the first lands on the wall behind him.

Steve glares at him again. “I know you,” he mumbles angrily. “Who are you? Why do I know you?”

Bucky starts trembling, entire body shaking as he struggles to stay upright. “You’ve known me your whole life, sweetheart,” he reaches out and cups Steve’s cheek in his hand, surprised when Steve doesn’t flinch away from his touch. “And I’ve loved you for as long as we’ve known each other. And I think you did too, before I let you fall,”

Steve doesn’t reply, and a long moment of silence passes, hanging heavy between them.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” Bucky says then, gathering up all the courage and strength he has left, even as he struggles to do so. He’s not strong like Steve, has never been the brave one of the two. “But I will save you now. Because I’m with you till the end of the line,”

Steve startles, takes a step backwards. There’s a flicker of something like recognition in his eyes as he looks at Bucky, and it’s like he’s seeing him both for the first and fifth thousand time again.

“Bucky?” he croaks out, voice small and uncertain.

“Yes,” Bucky nods his head frantically. “Yes, Steve, it’s me,” he reaches out without thinking twice and wraps his arms around Steve’s neck, pulling him close and holding him tight.

It takes a moment but Steve eventually responds, hesitantly hugging him back, and he inhales deeply, breathing in Bucky’s scent, and his entire body relaxes, melting in Bucky’s arms, bodies moulding together in that familiar, comforting way.

Bucky closes his eyes against the tears and curls his hand in Steve’s hair, unwilling to let him go anytime soon and makes a silent promise to keep Steve safe this time around.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a commission fic for [byckybrnes](http://byckybrnes.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
